DEAR SHMABBY

Everyday I come to work, I help put the paper together, and I help edit the content. So practically everyday I read a very well known columnist's work, known as Dear Abby. I found it interesting every time I read her column; she would give anonymous people advise for their problems. In the previous sentence, use the word "found" in a very, very, past tense form. I say this because as the days progressed, and I read more and more of her columns I realized how stupid these "people" who are/were writing in really are!

If you've ever read the column, you probably didn't realize (I didn't at first) that these so-called letters that she replies to come from authors who have no gosh darned common sense AT ALL! Period. I will give you an example: One person wrote in once and told her that she had married a man who expected her to cook for him; problem was, she didn't know how to cook because her family had ate fast food her whole life. Therefore she was not ever taught how to cook. Abby's response was that maybe she and her husband could take a couple's cooking course, and also said maybe she could purchase some cook books. Well no way?! This person, I believe, should be taken to a mental hospital for a 72 hour evaluation because there's no way the first thought in this woman's mind was "Oh man! I don't know how to cook at all! What should I do?! I KNOW! I'll write Dear Abby!"

Yea. That's definitely the first thought that I would pop into my head! Yeah, I'll write Dear Abby, sure, she's got probably a million other letters, but let's see if she'll think mine is priority over the other in the U.S.! So, yes, waiting months for her reply is obviously the RIGHT way to go about it.

Now, another genre of letter that Abby gets a lot are letters from teenagers having problems. Mostly they write about abuse issues in the home or else where, and some for advice with friends in need. OK. Problem number one I have with this is: What teenager actually thought about writing to Abby? Next, I have to ask myself, is this what school systems teach their students nowadays? I know for a fact that back when I was in school (which wasn't that long ago, mind you), the endless list of counselors, teacher and motivational speakers that spoke to my fellow students and me sure as hell didn't tell us to they were too busy so we should write to Dear Abby about these kinds of issues. They taught us to tell someone who could actually do something about it. Abby tells the teens to talk to their parents about the problems, but what happens when the problem IS the parents. Nine times out of ten adults don't take kindly to being judged, ESPECIALLY by their own child. I can say this because I am still borderline on the adulthood phase of my life; I haven't lost all my childlike essence. So yea, good job with that one Abby.

Moving on to tonight, which I might add IS the soul reason behind my blog. This one, ladies and gents, was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. It made me want to go on a massacre! A massacre that would lead me to shred every last one of these columns ever printed! And in the future too! I'm going to actually quote this one so, here goes:

"DEAR ABBY: I'm a single 59-year-old man who is dating an attractive 40-year-old woman. I wear glasses, and she wears contact lenses, which she takes out before we go to bed at night. Of course, I remove my glasses.

The problem is, when we become intimate, we can barely see each other -- even with the lights on. We want to know what each other looks like when we're making love. Any suggestions?"

"EYES WIDE OPEN IN ROGERS, ARK."

OH. MY. GOSH! I believe I had a mild aneurysm while I was reading that! First off, this man, as a lot of males like to do, said he was single, BUT "dating" someone (I'm not being sexist, I'm just saying the majority of people who try pulling this stunt are males). Ok, you can't do that. You can't be single and date someone at the same time in my book because Lord knows that if this man saw this woman with on a date with another man he would blow a friggin' gasket!

Secondly, WHY? Oh why, in God's sweet name would you write to Abby about this?! If at first you don't see why I say this, PLEASE, PLEASE re-read this poor soul's letter. If you're head doesn't explode you may something wrong with your central nervous system. Here is what I would tell this couple: Either keep your glasses and contacts before you make love, or put them before you start the love makin'! OR, they could get eye surgeries that would correct their vision; ultimately making glasses/contacts obsolete!

How easy was that? I mean, I figured it out BEFORE I read Abby's response. Amazing. I must be a gosh darned genius or something! I should become the next Wizard of Oz with this kind of superior intellect!

As always, I am now going to end my wonderful writing specimen with my lessons I've learned today. 1. I have learned that there are many idiots, I mean I already KNEW there were it was just confirmed today. 2. Abby really does have good advise, but honestly I don't know how she does it; I would probably want to hunt someone down and knock them over the head a few times and ask them "DOES THIS HELP YOU SOLVE ANYTHING?!" because waiting months on end for advice that you could've thought of yourself is like the mistake of all mistakes. And if they said "No." to my question, I would walk away and shout "WRITE ME ANOTHER LETTER! I DARE YOU!" 3. I'm violent; by thought, not by nature, I would never actually hurt someone. And finally, 4. I have a brain, and I use it, unlike the rest of the crazies in the United States. Common sense is seemingly dead.

Peace.

Chassedi

P.S.: Abby's response was:

"DEAR EYES WIDE OPEN: I am not a vision expert, and this is something you should discuss with your eye-care professional. However, because you are both blind as bats without corrective lenses, perhaps it's time you considered the Braille method." -- That was so insightful. Like Buddha, she is very wise.