Aspen residents are up in arms about the carbon output of a small flame. Just one resident probably produces more carbon merely breathing than the flame does.

The town of Aspen is all a twitter. It seems that a year and a half ago the city put in a municipal hearth with a natural gas flame to aid the town's ambience. In a town like Aspen where trendy is as trendy does this has caused problems.

Many of the area's residents are upset that the city is adding to the CO2 in the atmosphere thereby causing increased global warming and the end of the world as we know it. This must be one incredibly huge fire to cause all the consternation but it's not. It adds an estimated nine pounds of CO2 to the atmosphere in a year. That's about what the mayor's flatulence contributes.

To help out a city in trouble I have some ideas for Aspen. I do this out of a sense of community with this Sodom on the side of a hill, this Gomorrah by a gulch.

1.Offset the carbon by forbidding all but electric golf carts from the downtown area. This would have the added benefit of freeing up space for more parking, just one hummer takes the space of three or four golf carts.

2.Waste the city's money by purchasing carbon offsets from Al "stupid people buy my product" Gore. Here's a man who has spent the last 10 years whipping the same dead horse in order to come along later and flog a worthless piece of paper saying your carbon usage has been offset by someone planting a tree they would have planted anyway. I've got to get in that business.

3.Put up posters condemning the use of fossil fuels and insist that everyone who isn't a millionaire sacrifice their standard of living so that the rich can indulge themselves without feeling guilty about it, after all what's the good of having money if you can't flaunt your good fortune in the face of those who make your lifestyle possible?

4.Use hydrogen for the flame. It burns clean and contributes nothing to greenhouse gases. It's also invisible and doesn't add anything to the ambiance of the town, but hey, can't have everything.

If put into practice these ideas would help reduce carbon output tremendously. Not only because they reduce carbon output in and of themselves but also because people would stop going to that annoying city.

If you've read this far you probably have the idea that I don't think much of the idea of the municipal hearth or the objections to it. You're right. This is about as stupid a controversy as I've ever heard of. It also proves that the people of Aspen are too full of themselves.

Here's an idea -- Get a life! Stop worrying about something as trivial as a municipal flame and try providing city services that people need, want and can use, or is that too much to ask?

I don't believe in calling for boycotts but I would suggest there are much better places to spend time than Aspen. Truth be told, you'd probably have a better time in a town that wasn't so self-conscious about it's ambience and instead offered the real thing.