Your life in five questions (07/22/05)
We all get them from our friends -- those 30-question e-mails to fill out and return plus forward to our friends with the intention of all learning about each other. Because of my cursed high level of self-absorption, I love sharing stuff about myself with other people in the hope that they'll be interested. Maybe they'll care that yes, I have been in love, or that my favorite flavor of ice cream is peanut butter and chocolate and I'm the oldest child in my family...

Don't come between me and my cell phone (07/14/05)
I watch MTV every so often to see what the kids are up to these days. Usually it's having inappropriate relations with each other, drinking and whining. So things haven't changed much. But once in a great, great while, this 35-year-old will identify with something on that channel, very much geared to people 10 to 17 years my junior...

Quiet workers, unite (07/01/05)
Don't you hate those overly eager beavers at work? You invite them to lunch and they say, "Oh, no! I'm too busy for lunch! I don't know how YOU find the time." Or you're packing up at quitting time, and they're monitoring your departure. "Leaving already?" they say. "OK, well, have a good night. I've still got a few hours left."...

For $100 an hour, trainer needs sense of humor (06/24/05)
Good health is getting more expensive, at least for me. My personal trainer, Neil, just informed me he took a few more certification courses and now charges $100 an hour. I've got a couple problems with that. First of all, anyone who makes that much money should be legally permitted to write me prescriptions for painkillers...

Close encounters of the bird kind (06/16/05)
It began on a perfect Florida spring morning, when I glanced out my back window to see the most remarkable bird. It stood on long legs, well over a foot tall, with black, white and yellow markings and a tuft of feathers on its head. That's one of the things I love about this state. ...

Mr. Half shows he's not Mr. Clean (06/08/05)
It didn't take me long to figure out I can't afford a house and a house cleaner. Working my 60-hour-a-week job in Cape Girardeau, I quickly learned a house cleaner was the only way I could avoid total squalor at home, but it took a long time to get past the guilt. Then I found out virtually all of my older, professional girlfriends had help at home...

Storm-season refresher from Florida (06/03/05)
Today is the start of hurricane season in Florida. People around Tampa Bay didn't take it too seriously last year. It was statistically unlikely we'd get hit. I allowed myself to get complacent, even though I spent Hurricane Georges in Pensacola with no power for two days...

Acting someone else's age (05/27/05)
There's nothing like a weeklong visit from a 20-something to remind you that you're a 30-something. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't re-live my 20s for anything. Too much drama. Plus, I feel like I'm starting to get a few things figured out. Maybe in another 35 years I'll really know something...

Confessions of a prepared-food junkie (05/19/05)
Most working women take a few shortcuts in preparing meals for their families. Maybe more than a few. Take my husband's aunt, who uses canned chicken and cut-up, store-bought tortillas in her chicken and "dumplings." Another friend has a lasagna recipe that doesn't require boiling the noodles. And what working mother hasn't popped the top off a jar of Ragu? But I'm beyond just using shortcuts. There's no sizzle of pan frying or merry bubbling from a steaming pot in my kitchen...

Heavy-handed workouts of the jaw (05/13/05)
I want to do two things at the gym: work out in peace and tan in the buff. The second one is going pretty well. They have a tanning area where you can lock out the whole world and step into little, potentially cancer-causing booths for 12 minutes. I might be a dead fat person by 50, but I'll be a tan, dead fat person. Plus those 12 minutes away from people and my cell phone are pure heaven...

Doing dog duties in the neighborhood (04/29/05)
In apartment complexes, people come and go. So there's really no good reason to get to know your neighbors. Some of the bigger complexes put on special clubhouse parties, but what's the point? Just as soon as you form a bond, a lease ends and you or they are gone...

Razor usage linked to fair weather (04/20/05)
It's time for spring fashion -- shorts, capris, skirts with no pantyhose. In short, clothing that will dramatically increase my razor usage. I met with Neil, my hot personal trainer, a few weeks ago to get a new routine. Even as I drove to the gym, I thought, "Ooooo. I should have shaved my legs. Or maybe I shouldn't be wearing shorts."...

The long and short of hair (04/01/05)
Last month, I made a decision so momentous, so powerful, it must be shared. I'm growing my hair out, and don't try to stop me. My hair hasn't garnered widespread critical acclaim since the late 1980s, when the style was to grow as much overbleached, overpermed hair as possible, shellacking the bangs almost vertical and using a blow-dryer/hairspray combination to create large wings on either side of your head...

The lesson that Terri taught me (03/25/05)
After 17 years of newspaper journalism, it takes a lot for a story to make me cry. It's horrible, the stuff you hear at work. Reporters put up walls to keep from being hurt by all the abused children and spouses, dead soldiers, house fires and fatal accidents our readers expect to learn about from us. There's a lot of gallows humor in newsrooms...

Best friends help disguise your beer (03/18/05)
There's no company as welcome as a best friend. It isn't that they don't deserve your best. It's just that you know they'll love you no matter whether you have it to give or not. And so it goes that my best friend Lynn arrived at my home this week from Texas to cat hair on the chaise lounge and a first-night meal of an Old El Paso taco kit...

Reserve the octopus for foodies (03/10/05)
There's a new word in the culinary dictionary: foodie. Maybe you've heard it being thrown around in commercials and newspaper food sections. Dictionary.com says it means "a person who has an ardent or refined interest in food." I was pretty excited when people started using it, because now there's a complimentary term for people extremely interested in food, and I am one of those...

Cooking not an issue for working wife (03/04/05)
The Other Half killed my will to cook. Not that it was strong anyway. My will to cook had been on life support for a few years, expressed through the same five recipes week after week, year after year. It wasn't always that way. When The Other Half began dating me, I tried to dazzle him with my culinary talents. I believed that whole way-to-a-man's-heart thing...

Vanity loves company (02/25/05)
The lady at the gym said I could add tanning privileges to my membership for just $10 a month and that would include tanning for The Other Half, too. It sounded good, but artificial tanning is just wrong. Dermatologists tell us to wrap up like mummies just to get the mail, so does it make sense to pay money -- no matter how little -- to purposefully expose ourselves to concentrated doses of ultraviolet radiation? Plus everybody knows what you're up to. ...

Women see what needs to be done (02/17/05)
Yep, that's us gals, all right. Our men simply want to Photoshop pictures online or watch the game, but there we are, worrying about silly little things like paying bills or keeping the cars insured. How petty! I think that's why the women I know end up taking so much on themselves -- the responsibility for household finances plus taking care of kids and home. We've created monsters, and then we wonder why we're so tired...

A small animal's magnetism (02/11/05)
I've learned a thing or two about dog ownership in the three weeks we've had Stewie. * Every puppy should come with free spray bottles of Resolve carpet cleaner, Lysol and bleach. * If you think you can train your dog not to sleep with you, think again...

You are what you eat (02/04/05)
The alarm clock radio touches off an internal battle every morning. It's dark. It's cold. My husband and my little dog are warm. Do I get dressed for the gym? Or do I adjust the alarm to go off in another hour? I've learned this: If I don't go to the gym before work, I'm not going. ...

A different kind of responsibility (01/28/05)
In lieu of a child, we got a dog. The timing seemed right. We own our first house, our schedules have slowed and we're overwhelmed with the desire to spend mass amounts of cash at PetsMart. The Other Half and I grew up with dogs. We became cat people for our busy decade of marriage because cats don't really need us. Our cat is like that surly roommate from college -- we don't share any interests, she never wants to hang out, but we get stuck cleaning up her crap...

Would you like that in clover or seafoam? (01/18/05)
There's a distinct difference between men and women when it comes to seeing color. Never mind the fact that one in 10 men have some degree of colorblindness, which means they don't perceive colors in the same shades and intensities as people without the condition. That's why women are forced to repeat the phrase, "You're wearing THAT?"...

Making sense of getting fit (12/31/04)
The gym sits on the west side of Fourth Street, "get fit and save today" and "$0 sign up for the new year" signs out front catching my eye, but not as much as the thin people working out. It took another year of up and down weight capped off by a holiday month of pure binge eating to get me in there. Just one example: The Other Half's grandmother gave us a tin of her homemade bonbons on his birthday, Dec. 9. By my birthday, Dec. 18, Mr. Half had eaten three, and I'd eaten 18...

Transplanting Christmas spirit (12/15/04)
The Other Half says he can't get the holiday spirit in Florida. White lights spiraling up palm trees, Santa knickknacks dressed in Bermuda shorts and Hawaiian shirts -- it's just not in line with his concept of Christmas. A lot of Florida transplants feel the same way. ...

Other Half now a yuppie gas guzzler (12/10/04)
The Other Half used to be the picture of environmental consciousness. He drove a 1994 Toyota Tercel -- zero leg room but truly remarkable gas mileage. It had a bicycle rack sticking out of the trunk and a Share the Road specialty license plate, offered by Florida to raise money for bicycle trails. The plate features a poorly drawn picture of a man on a bicycle, but hey, I'm no art critic...

You can wrestle a turkey (12/03/04)
Ah, the Thanksgiving turkey, that Holy Grail of holiday entrees. The message from advertising and society in general is clear: It's nearly impossible for one's first turkey to turn out moist and succulent. Remember that old Butterball commercial with the two older women walking up to the house? They're bracing for a dry turkey since it's the hostess's first one...

Stranger than Fiction (11/19/04)
Defending Florida after 2000 Dec. 5, 2000 -- I thought the presidential election might be settled before I had to write this column. I never dreamed my good name would become linked to a state with the population density of many foreign countries but with the total brain mass of a Chihuahua...

Stranger than Fiction (11/11/04)
Home ownership is not for wimps

Stranger than Fiction (11/03/04)
Next Halloween will be better Halloween is my favorite holiday because I get to wear bizarre outfits and eat a lot of candy. And for you who say, "Heidi, how does that make it different from any other day for you?" I reply, "I hope a disgruntled spirit haunts your rude butt." This Halloween was pretty disappointing. ...

Stranger than Fiction (10/29/04)
Everything's complicated in the Sunshine State One of the things I miss most about Missouri is the ease of conducting any sort of business. For instance, I'd stop by my neighborhood drug store on the way home and pick up a couple of prescriptions. Easy as pie. A friendly cashier even told me how to pray to St. Anthony when I realized I'd left my debit card somewhere. (I'm not Catholic, but I was freaked out enough to give it a try and found the card the next morning. Coincidence? Hmmmmm.)...

Stranger than Fiction (10/22/04)
This state's not chicken to celebrate In Missouri, roosters are mostly for wake-up calls, stews and making other roosters. In Florida, at least some parts, they're creatures to be celebrated, and their deaths are mourned. You've probably seen articles about Key West's feral chicken problem -- or blessing, as other people view it. The chickens were even featured on Dave Attell's show, "Insomniac."...

Stranger than Fiction (10/15/04)
Making the leap to homeowner The leap from lifelong renter to homeowner is a long one indeed. Hold up on the speech about building equity versus throwing away money and look at it from my point of view. The Other Half and I are home-care challenged. For example, he almost burned down an apartment simply attempting to install a ceiling fan. Luckily, when the smoke and sparks cleared, the only damage revealed was to Mr. Half's ego...

Stranger than Fiction (10/08/04)
Fighting our way to vacation Each year, The Other Half and I take one vacation together and one apart. This, combined with our individual checking accounts, opposite work schedules and separate bathrooms, causes some observers to ask, "Do you really call this a marriage?"...

Stranger than Fiction (09/24/04)
Models, cones, radar oh my! The bizarre hurricane season is turning Florida into a state of amateur meteorologists. Of course, we have good reason to become obsessed with The Weather Channel and www.nhc.noaa.gov, home of the National Hurricane Center's forecasts. On Tuesday, both were tracking two hurricanes and a tropical storm...

Stranger than Fiction (09/10/04)
Hurricanes become fact of life OK, this is getting ridiculous. First Charley. Then Frances. Seems like someone is visiting us from Missouri every time a hurricane hits. For Frances, it was a friend combining a check of his sailboat and a visit with The Other Half and me. (The boat survived, by the way.)...

Stranger than Fiction (09/06/04)
Smells like team spirit in here After Baptist, the Buccaneers are Tampa Bay's predominant religion. The men wear their Bucs jerseys and ballcaps and rehash the last game until the next one is played. Women who wouldn't know an option play from a Broadway play still put on their Bucs earrings and tank tops and head out on Sunday afternoons...

Stranger than Fiction (08/30/04)
Hitting the older demographic They say getting older isn't so bad when you consider the alternative. True enough. But that doesn't mean there won't be grounding moments in your life when you step back and realize how far away from that super cool 18-25 demographic you are. When you use terms like "super cool," for instance...

Stranger than Fiction (08/20/04)
Weathering the storm Once in a while, nature has to extract a price for its blue waters and palm trees and warm winters. Usually, it's a gator eating a poodle or a shark attack. If it weren't for the miserable summers, insect problems and vicious wildlife, the state would be even more crowded...

Stranger than Fiction (08/16/04)
Importance of the shine I've done it, there's no going back, and now I'll come out of the broom closet and unabashedly admit it in the pages of our local newspaper. I've hired a cleaning lady. There. I said it. It takes a strong woman to admit she's paying someone else to do her job. Women have been responsible for the home since the first time Eve yelled, "Dammit, Adam, how many times do I have to say it? Put your dirty fig leaf in the laundry basket, not on my clean floor!"...

Stranger than Fiction (08/07/04)
Let's start by admitting most women are at a cultural disadvantage when it comes to car repair and maintenance. While we were listening to our moms pontificate on Shout vs. Spray and Wash, our brothers were learning about oil changes and carburetors...

Stranger than Fiction (07/23/04)
Heel to toe improvement Back in the day, my heels were ashy. My big toe was calloused. My toenails didn't just have ridges, those were buttes. Then, one day, prompted by my cheap nature combined with a Christmas gift certificate, I entered my first nail salon and a new world of foot beauty...

Stranger than Fiction (06/24/04)
Florida wouldn't be the same without its gator stories It's the classic Florida news story. No, not the one last week about one 74-year-old man crashing his car into the Tampa International Airport and hitting another 74-year-old man in the process -- they both survived just fine, by the way...

Stranger than fiction (12/05/03)
My fascination with "Trading Spaces" is just sad. Sick and sad. The sad part is that I don't even own a home, so I'm constantly trying to harass my friends into applying to be on the show. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law live in houses a stone's throw from each other, so they're growing accustomed to my arguments on why they're perfect for "Trading Spaces."...

Stranger than Fiction (12/03/03)
There's no better time than the day before Thanksgiving -- the fattiest holiday of them all -- to talk about Americans' food-related insanity. I'll admit, I'm part of the problem. There's a terrible hoarding instinct I must battle at all times. It's what tells me to take three deviled eggs, because if I just take one, the other 200 might be gone by the time I get back...

Stranger than fiction (11/21/03)
With my 34th birthday coming up fast, I've got to admit that my stance on childbearing is softening a bit. Back in the day, when my other childless friends would self-deprecatingly say they were "too selfish" to have kids, I'd take off on a rant that made them regret it...

Stranger than fiction (11/13/03)
I found my first serious wrinkle on Saturday -- the morning of The Other Half's 30th birthday. It's on the lower lid of my right eye. At first, I thought it was a bizarre, wayward stroke of mascara or brow pencil or maybe just a spot where I didn't properly blend my foundation...

Stranger than fiction (10/24/03)
As I round the bend toward 34, I'm conscious that it will be my last year inside that desirable 18-to-34 demographic, a.k.a. The Holy Grail of Marketing. It seems I ought to be enjoying this time by dressing younger, acting younger, doing younger things. ...

Stranger than fiction 10/17 (10/17/03)
Did you hear the news? A RAND Corp. study found that the number of extremely obese American adults -- at least 100 pounds overweight -- rose from 1 in 200 in 1986 to 1 in 50 in 2000. It was in the paper Tuesday, but I also heard it on CNN Headline News. ...

Stranger than fiction 10/10 (10/10/03)
Apparently, it's time for a refresher course on maintaining female friendships. It's not always easy. Women -- while far and away the superior gender when it comes to relationships, multitasking and handling illness -- can be an emotional lot. We're tuned in to every infraction of the friendship code. ...

Stranger than fiction (10/03/03)
Should I be embarrassed that the news about Christopher Cross coming to the City of Roses Music Festival made me giddy? After finding out last month, I rushed to www.christopher cross.com, which has a neat little Flash introduction with "Sailing" playing in the background. ...

Stranger than fiction 9/28 (09/28/03)
Editor's note: This column originally was published on Jan. 20, 1999. I'm not exactly sure why my in-laws gave us the "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" board game for Christmas. Maybe it's the long, cold silences that often occur between The Other Half and me when the in-laws are around. ...

Stranger than fiction 8/15 (08/15/03)
Most people, faced with their first word problem in fifth grade, probably thought: "What the heck? Who cares when Train A reaches Point C? Just check the freakin' schedule." But teachers assured us that word problems were about reasoning out dilemmas using math, and those reasoning skills would help us in adult life. ...

Stranger than fiction 8/7 (08/07/03)
One of the most touching scenes I've ever witnessed was between my grandfather and grandmother, just a few months before she died. She could barely see. He couldn't hold his hand steady enough to write. When their car didn't start one morning, they had to get the serial number off the old battery. ...

Stranger than fiction 6/27 (06/27/03)
To me, the most fascinating thing about the Hulk isn't his green skin, his glowing eyes or his superhuman strength. It's his amazing pants. From the comic book to the television series to the feature film, the Hulk has never split the rear of his pants despite growing three to 15 times his human size. ...

Stranger than fiction (06/19/03)
When I hear "nature trail," I think of gravel or bark paths through the woods, mostly flat and clearly marked for visitors with interpretative plaques to identify flora or fauna. On the ideal nature trail for this plus-sized girl, one could wear and business suit and pumps and complete the route ready to go to the office. ...

Stranger than fiction 5/28 (05/28/03)
When my friend Mel called from Phoenix to say he'd be in Missouri over Memorial Day weekend, I faced a kind of dilemma for only the second time in my 18 years of Southeast Missouri living. Mel has lived in major cities his entire life. New York. Miami. ...