Don Flood

Recently, I noticed a Leo Tolstoy novel atop the bestseller lists, "Anna Karenina."

What's remarkable about this is that, to the best of my knowledge, Tolstoy has not been appearing on any of the usual talk shows to promote his book (though somebody said she saw him on Regis and Kelly, and he kept leering at Kelly like a pervert).

The reason, of course, is Oprah. She has announced she is reading "Anna Karenina" this summer, and since she apparently doesn't like to suffer alone, she is commanding all her disciples to read it at the same time.

It's hard to say what Oprah's game here is. Perhaps this is the final test; if she were able to compel people to read "Anna Karenina" she would be in a position to proclaim herself Supreme Ruler of the World.

Still, it's possible Oprah may be overreaching.

I don't pretend to be the greatest Tolstoy scholar in the world, but my understanding is that it is a very long book, with no pictures.

What's more, for some reason he has peopled his book with characters having very long, hard-to-pronounce Russian names.

As a public service, I looked up the book online so that I could warn people of the dangers of picking up Tolstoy's novel as a summertime "beach book."

What I found was quite disturbing. On the very first page of the book, Tolstoy introduces a character named Stepan Arkadyevitch Oblonsky-Stiva.

I make no claims to being a writer like Leo Tolstoy, but even I know better than to write a book with a character named Stepan Arkadyevitch Oblonsky-Stiva.

Is this guy paid by the letter or what? Just call the guy Steve -- or better yet Bob -- and get on with the story.

Leo doesn't stop there. No, he's got a Konstantin Dmitrievitch, whom people avoid because his name is so hard to pronounce, and a Katerina Shtcherbatsky, a tragic figure who never overcomes the misfortune of having a vowel-challenged last name. (Worse, it sounds vaguely obscene when pronounced.)

And people are supposed to read this over the summer. Look, I don't want to hurt Oprah's feelings -- especially since she has the power to have me executed -- but she's gone off the deep end with this one.

Say it with me now, "I am not going to read Anna Karena-a-a -- whatever her name is -- this summer."

As with most classics, the key is to be able to pretend to have read it. After all, it's extremely unlikely that Oprah herself will come knocking on your door in the middle of the night to quiz you on the book. (Though it is possible.)

So here's the deal. Anna has a bad time of it with various men and, despondent over her inability to spell their names correctly, she throws herself under a train.

Oh, you might be able to glean a little more if you actually read the book, but we all know that's not going to happen.

But don't worry, I won't tell Oprah.

Write to Don Flood in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mails to dflood@ezol.com