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Monday, May 2, 2016

At Random

Monday, September 20, 2004

George W. Bush: a Brag Sheet

About a month ago, I received the following resume of George W. Bush; yes, the other son of the former U.S. President George Bush, over the Internet from a friend. After reading the following document, I would say this: If a baboon were the only alternative to George W. Bush, come November, I would cast my vote for the baboon.

The content of the resume:

LAW ENFORCEMENT

"I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.

MILITARY

I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

COLLEGE

I graduated from Yale University with a low-C academic average. I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE

I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.

I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS

I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power interests and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.

I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions of borrowed dollars.

I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.

With the help of my brother, governor of Florida, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT OF THE

UNITED STATES

I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.

I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.

I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.

I set an all-time record for the most foreclosures in a 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. Stock Market. In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs, and that trend continues every month.

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. (Even the "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.)

My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over Enron, the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history.

I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution.

More time and money was spent investigating the Mona Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest rip-offs in history.

I have presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed involving the oil industry. I presided over the highest oil prices in U.S. history.

I changed U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.

I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the U.S. government.

I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.

I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "Prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Conference.

I set the record for fewest number of presidential Press conferences since the advent of TV.

I set the record for most days on vacation of any U.S. president." Is there anything we can do for George W. Bush?

Well, maybe send him a big bag of pretzels.