Don Flood

Settle disputes the old-fashioned way

In an election year filled with mudslinging, name-calling and down-and-dirty cheap shots, it's refreshing to see a suggestion that would return to politics a measure of civility.

I am referring, of course, to the gentle art of dueling.

Recently, Sen. Zell Miller, speaking with host Chris Matthews on the "Foaming Blowhards" show, waxed nostalgic for the days when men could settle their differences with a duel.

"Chris," he said fondly, "I'd like to draw and quarter you and then feed you into a woodchipper."

Miller, you may recall, was the "rogue Democrat" from Georgia who endorsed President George Bush at the Republican Convention, highlighting his talk by biting off the head of a live chicken named John Kerry.

Miller had planned to bite off the heads of two chickens -- named Kerry and Edwards -- but was dissuaded by "girlie-man" Republican officials who felt that decapitating two chickens would work against their desired image as "compassionate conservatives."

Vice President Dick Cheney's speech was a little more thoughtful, pointing out to voters that, if elected, John Kerry had promised "to appoint Osama bin Laden as Secretary of the Interior."

The Kerry campaign, lightning quick as always to deliver an effective response, retorted, "No final decisions have been made about any cabinet posts, including the Secretary of the Interior."

But let's look at how a return to dueling could improve modern politics.

First, imagine that, instead of arguing, Miller and Matthews took their 10 paces, turned and fired, each falling mortally wounded.

That, of course, would be the ideal "win-win" situation. No more arguing, no more hot air -- at least not from Miller and Matthews.

Many other political arguments, likewise, would be cut short. Peace and quiet would reign in our fair republic!

Plus, there would be the added bonus of getting our young people interested in politics.

Unfortunately, government today doesn't seem relevant to people whose lives revolve around reality TV shows and hyper-violent video games.

(Older folks don't require such "value added" political entertainment. Their reason to vote can be summed up in two words: Social Security. Keep working, industrious young people!)

But if people knew that any debate could potentially turn into a Showdown at the OK Corral, ratings would go through the roof.

Not that the networks haven't tried.

Executives from the top 148 networks negotiated to allow candidates to exchange a "reasonable" amount of gunfire during debates but, unfortunately, talks broke down over the definition of "reasonable."

Since then, some in the League of Women Voters have come out against gunplay of any kind during presidential debates, despite polls indicating broad interest in the format.

But there's no rule saying candidates have to use pistols.

President Bush is said to favor lightsabers, while Kerry prefers hand-to-hand combat using kayak paddles.

Zell Miller, not surprisingly, disdains such "fancy-pants" dueling, preferring to fight it out in an open grave using Bowie knives, a style he learned as a boy from his grandmother at family picnics.

And if Miller doesn't like this column, I'm ready for him. I'll meet him at dawn -- with spitballs.

Write to Don Flood in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mails to dflood@ezol.com