Don Flood

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Easy come, easy go

It was a week for hopeful and disturbing headlines.

On the positive side, a CNN.com headline read: "U.S. offers download of new $50."

Yes, of course! Downloadable money!

Download a fifty and print up whatever you need! It was just the kind of self-help government program I was waiting for.

Yes, it occurred to me that perhaps the administration was going a bit too far in pandering to voters, but what's the point in living in a democracy if you can't be pandered to?

And yes, I was disappointed the government hadn't made it possible to download a greater variety of denominations.

Say your kid needs lunch money. You don't want to send him to school with a fifty.

Next thing you know he'll think money grows on trees.

"That's not how it works, buster! I had to make this money the old-fashioned way -- download it and print it up with my own two hands!"

But on the other hand, I had to admit, downloadable money would be even more convenient than the tree-grown variety.

Who wants to go out and pick money off trees when it's raining?

Or when it's cold?

No such problem with downloadable money. You'd be able to print money all winter long, while you remain warm and cozy inside with your printer.

Come to think of it, maybe I could afford to be a little generous: "Here's a couple of thousand bucks, get yourself some ice cream."

But then I read the story. This great new government program wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

Instead of being aimed at industrious entrepreneurial types such as myself, it was meant for those doing commercial art projects. Bummer!

The second headline was disturbing from the get-go: "'70s band the Raspberries to reunite."

This has to stop. The Raspberries had exactly one Top 10 song. That was in 1972, back when dinosaurs still roamed the earth.

If they were to put together a greatest hits album, they'd be hard-pressed to fill up both sides of a single.

But here they are, threatening a reunion tour.

It's like those so-called thriller movies. You'll see the villain die, usually in a manner that, in real life, would indicate a high probability of death, such as being fed into a sausage-maker, packaged for delivery and then dumped into a flaming volcano -- just before the nuclear bomb drops.

At the very least, you think to yourself, this villain would need to lie down and take a couple of aspirin.

But no, they always come back to life. This, sadly, is what is happening to our '70s bands. They always come back, even when logically they should be dead or appearing in Vegas.

And here's the scary part. According to the story, "General admission will be $45, while a VIP ticket guaranteeing a seat and a meet-and-greet with the band will run $100."

A hundred bucks to "meet and greet" the Raspberries? You think I can just print my own money?

Write to Don Flood in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mails to dflood@ezol.com