If you happen to be in prison -- or, perhaps, headed for the pokey -- and are looking for some practical advice about breaking out, you've come to the right place.

Today, we are going to examine the misfortunes of two hapless inmates who escaped from an Iowa prison only to be nabbed a few days later not too far from Cape Girardeau.

By studying the subtle weaknesses in the post-escape activities of these two inmates, you will discern a line of thinking that should be avoided, at all costs, when you make your own getaway.

We will call this "A Case Study of Inmate Stupidity and the Instructive Lessons to Be Learned Therefrom."

First, let's give credit where credit is due. Our two subjects, Robert Legendre and Martin Moon, were motivated to concoct a prison break using a homemade grappling hook and a rope crafted from upholstery materials spirited from the prison's furniture shop. I submit that the brainpower to accomplish this falls somewhere higher than "dolt." Which makes the aftermath of their successful departure from the Hawkeye State all the more intriguing.

Authorities surmise Legendre and Moon were partners only in the escape and had no bond to keep them together once outside the walls of their prison home. So they wished each other well, split up and went their merry ways.

This theory, regrettably, does not explain why the pair was eventually captured so near our fair City of Roses by the River and within 125 miles, as the crow flies, of each other.

Moon, a convicted murderer, was taken back into custody after pausing in Chester, Ill., for a nap in his car. The parked vehicle drew the attention of neighbors, who called the police.

The neighbors in this case were guards at Menard State Penitentiary. It can safely be said that prison guards frown on having unfamiliar vehicles, napping driver or not, in the vicinity. At Menard, guards worry that an unknown visitor could well be up to no good rather than making a visit to the Popeye statue.

Prison Break Suggestion No. 1: Yes, breaking out of the slammer can be exhausting, but avoid catnaps in the shadow of another state's prison. Go to a motel. And be sure to use a made-up name.

Which leads us to the second escaped inmate, Legendre, who was convicted of attempted murder.

Legendre enjoyed another day of freedom spent begging for gas money at a Steele, Mo., truck stop. It can be assumed this was not what he had in mind when he and Moon secretly made a grappling hook and practiced the noble art of rope weaving. One could guess, perhaps, that Legendre had visions of home-cooked meals, showering alone and falling asleep in a recliner in front of a TV. Begging? Probably never entered his mind.

Whilst capitalizing upon charitable Bootheel travelers, Legendre told anyone who would listen that he was a convict. The girls at the truck stop responded by fixing the felonious beggar a sandwich. Is there any more generous nature to be found anywhere? I think not.

Prison Break Suggestion No. 2: When -- after putting the horizon between you and your iron bars -- you choose to play upon the mercy and goodwill of your fellow man, do not blurt out that you are the subject of a nationwide manhunt. That tends to dampen cheerful giving, most of the time.

Good luck, Bob and Marty, in your next attempt to flee the long arm of the law.

R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.