If you don't like this universe, there are more

Scientists now say the universe may weigh less than previously thought, perhaps as much as 20 percent less, which is quite remarkable, especially when considering various factors such as Ted Kennedy and Barry Bonds.

But I can't help wondering whether the universe has really slimmed down, or is it like one of those pathetic movie stars who drop a few pounds with Slim-Fast or WeightWatchers, only to binge again when they think no one is looking.

The story, interestingly enough, did not include any before and after pictures of the universe wearing a bikini, which is what most diet companies offer as proof, so my guess here is that the science is less than rock solid.

In other news about the Advance of Sciences comes word that a mathematical discovery at Oxford University suggests that not only do parallel universes exist, but that there are an infinite number of them.

I had thought parallel universes were basically a plot device invented for shows like "Star Trek." (You could tell when you were watching the parallel universe because Mr. Spock wore a beard, facial hair being far more popular in other universes.) Here's how the theory was explained in an actual news article: "A motorist who has a near miss, for instance, might feel relieved at his lucky escape. But in a parallel universe, another version of the same driver will have been killed. Yet another universe will see the motorist recover after treatment in hospital. The number of alternative scenarios is endless." You're not kidding, this is endless. You've got enough possibilities here to keep the "Star Trek" franchise going until the year Capt. James T. Kirk is born.

(Kirk's birth is scheduled for March 22, 2233 in Riverside, Iowa, where -- and this is true -- the future birthday is celebrated each year. Hopefully, the local chamber of commerce is forward-thinking enough to make plans for other tourist attractions should the historic birth not pan out.) With this many universes you couldn't possibly keep track of Mr. Spock, no matter how many facial-hair scenarios he employed. He'd be forced to try new hairdos as well, including Mohawks.

Or to put it another way, if you think about stopping for donuts and then decide you don't need the calories, you can be assured that in a parallel universe, another version of you stopped and stuffed his face.

From a scientific perspective, my question is, is this Parallel Me putting on weight? Or is he one of those lucky guys who can eat like a pig and not show it? If so, that is so unfair. I guess that's what bothering me, not that in another universe a Parallel Me may be eating donuts or wearing a mullet -- though that's pretty frightening -- but that another version of me may be having more fun.

But I also realize that in another universe, you might not have bothered to read this column, so thank you, dear readers, no matter what universe you may inhabit.

Write to Don Flood in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mails to dflood287@comcast.net.