Are you guilty?

Editor’s note: This column originally appeared in the July 1, 2010 edition of the Daily Mail

I have several local friends who are in the psychiatry profession. Some of them have told me that they read my columns and articles. I hope they don’t read this one. I’m afraid of what their conclusion might be.

My childhood memories are very pleasant and I enjoy thinking about my younger days. I was a pretty good child. Even in my teen years I don’t remember doing anything very wrong. Well, even the time I was with a few girls at the rock quarry by Ellis and they decided to go skinny-dipping, I kept my clothes on. I was glad I did when a train passed by and the engineer blew his whistle! I think the reason I didn’t join the others was that I was afraid that somehow my parents would find out. They would have been disappointed in me.

So I had nothing to feel guilty about, but in a way, it was guilt feelings that made me behave. It usually worked. I never did get in any bad trouble. Oh, there was that one time when — (maybe we shouldn’t get into that).

Now I am a grown woman with children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I only have myself, and my husband, to be responsible to. What I do is mainly up to me except when it concerns Lester, or one of the kids, or any of the grandchildren, and of course, the great-grandchildren. And then there is my responsibility to the church, the community, the country, my extended family, my neighbors, my jobs, my cat, or the birds that come to my bird feeder, and —

Boy, the list goes on and on. I guess even in middle age plus years, I still have to behave. The things that make me feel guilty now have nothing to do with going along with the crowd. Other things have taken the place of those youthful adventures.

For example, I am reading a book that I like very much. When I was a child my parents approved of my reading books and would never criticize me for reading too much. But today I just didn’t want to put my book down, but it was the working hours of the day. True, I am my own boss in my jobs. As long as I meet my deadlines I can write any time I want to. However, I usually work at my computer in the morning.

To get to a stopping place in my book I brought it with me to my desk, opened it to read, but also had the computer turned on and set with margins for my column. When I got to feeling too guilty I wrote a few lines and then sneaked a peek at the words in the novel. Before I knew it I had read several pages in the book and typed only two or three lines in my column. I don’t know who I thought I was fooling, but somehow it felt better than just sitting in the lounge chair, or out in my swing, and openly reading.

I made a pact with myself years ago when I first started using the computer that I would treat myself to at least one game on the computer after I had used the computer for work. That works fine for me. Or I play a game or two while I am waiting for someone to return a call; or maybe, while the potatoes are baking for supper. That doesn’t make me feel guilty because I am at my workstation. But reading the book while the computer is lit up gives me problems.

One solution would be to read books ON the computer screen, but I probably would still know I was cheating.

The verdict is in. I am often guilty of many things.