Know the truth about acid reflux

I didn't intend to turn this into a music column but -- doggone it -- I have to go wherever the news leads me, which in this case is Ashlee Simpson's esophagus.

Not literally of course, but Simpson's esophagus is Ground Zero for the Case of Acid Reflux That Rocked the Music World.

Simpson, not heretofore noted for her talents as a ventriloquist, seemingly performed the incredible stunt of singing with her mouth closed on a recent "Saturday Night Live."

At first she blamed the band for her unintentional outing as a lip-syncher (the drummer apparently pushed the button for the wrong song), but then Dad came to the rescue, offering the real reason: His daughter has a throat of brass!

Just kidding, Pops! He blamed it on Acid Reflux, a deadly disease -- and this is something the medical establishment has kept hidden from us -- that can, if left untreated, result in chronic lip-synching.

Despite the fiasco, Ashlee is considering her next career move, perhaps as spokeswoman for Tums or Rolaids, or if she really plays her cards right, for Nexium, The Little Purple Pill.

Or she could form the world's first sister lip-syncing act with her famous sister Jessica.

(To be fair, Jessica is more than just another pop tart whose only talent appears to be showing off her belly button. Indeed, Jessica, a more rounded performer, combines two major talents: her chest and an uncanny ability to sound as if she has the intelligence of laundry lint.)

Newswoman Katie Couric pounced on the story, landing an interview in which Ashlee said three times how much she loved her drummer, ending with this heartfelt exchange (actual transcript):

Simpson: I love my drummer to death.

Couric: Well, we love him too. Thanks for coming in.

From this we learn two things: 1) Ashlee loves, I mean absolutely adores her drummer, and 2) the poor, doomed idiot is awaiting a one-way ticket to Loser Land.

We also learned, amazingly enough, that Katie Couric loves this drummer too, though there had been no previous mention of the two of them being an item.

I mean, everybody loves this guy! He's probably the luckiest, most lovable drummer of all time! If only he knew which of two buttons to press he might even still have a job! (Don't they teach them anything in Drumming School anymore?)

But of course all you want to know is: Where will Acid Reflux Lip-Syncing Syndrome strike next?

Unfortunately, you may already be a victim. In public, do you lip-sync to "The Star-Spangled Banner," desperately hoping no one will notice?

If so, doctors recommend you immediately make an appointment with Ashlee's dad, so he can start making excuses for you.

Also, while Ashlee Simpson's performance may be the latest disaster, experts say that many well-known catastrophes are believed to have been caused by acid reflux, including:

* The crash of the Hindenburg.

* "Gigli."

* The 2004 New York Yankees.

* My senior Homecoming dance -- which, come to think of it, is enough to make me grab for a Tums.

Write to Don Flood in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mails to dflood@ezol.com