Sandwich proves a heavenly investment

This week in financial news: how to prepare for retirement by building a portfolio of one of the hottest investments around -- grilled cheese sandwiches.

Diana Duyser, a Florida jewelry designer, recently sold, on eBay, her 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich -- for $28,000. (This is absolutely true.)

Now you're thinking, Wow, this Duyser woman must make a heck of a grilled cheese sandwich. She should open a shop.

Or you might think, there's no way I would pay $28,000 for a 10-year-old sandwich, especially while I'm on a low-carb diet.

But of course this isn't just any grilled cheese sandwich. It bears an image of the Virgin Mary.

On the other hand -- and I don't know if the buyer took this into consideration -- Duyser did take a bite out of the sandwich, which is a disgusting and even a little blasphemous:

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have taken a bite out of a Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich."

Also, for $28,000 I'd expect a full sandwich, maybe a little extra cheese.

What's frustrating is realizing that, over the years, I might have eaten dozens of grilled cheese sandwiches with images of the Virgin Mary on them. I never even looked.

But it's never too late to start getting ready for your retirement, and now we finally have a benchmark determining the value of grilled cheese sandwich investments.

Before this, people were at the mercy of supposed experts:

APPRAISER: Yes, quite nice, but ordinary. You see, this is Wonder Bread. Now if you had a nice deli-style rye bread for your Virgin Mary grilled cheese, then you'd have something of real value. The most I can offer you for this is $5.

While I don't want to burst the bubble of anyone who considers this grilled cheese sandwich a devotional object, it doesn't really look like the Virgin Mary.

To me, it looks a little like a young Faye Dunaway, or maybe that new weather girl on Channel 13.

(Sadly the bottom dropped out of the Faye-Dunaway-grilled-cheese market with the passing of the dot-com craze. They can now be purchased for a fraction of their former value.)

So savvy investors, take note: Much of a grilled cheese sandwich's ultimate value depends on how well it is marketed.

Let's say you make a grilled cheese sandwich. Just before taking a bite you notice the sandwich bears the likeness of, say, the cast of "Seinfeld."

Whatever you do, do not blurt that out. Instead, say something like, "Look! It's the Last Supper!" and start calling the local TV stations, especially if they're looking for a "holiday" feature.

Announce immediately that you could never sell or give away anything so precious.

After that you must be patient, as you allow your grilled cheese sandwich to grow in value, helped along with periodic updates to the media.

Finally, when you feel the sandwich has reached its peak value, sell at an extraordinary profit.

Hey, it beats the stock market.

Write to Don Flood in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mails to dflood@ezol.com