Don Flood
Will we have Paris in Springtime?
In Casablanca, Rick looked into Ilsa's eyes and declared, "We'll always have Paris."
But that was just a movie. Can we say the same about America in 2005?
Recently, in a piece headlined "We'll never have Paris again," the New York Daily News gossip columnist made a startling New Year's resolution: He would -- take a deep breath now -- stop reporting on Paris Hilton.
A gossip columnist refusing to report on perhaps the biggest producer of gossip in the world's history!
It's a little like an astronomer who studies the solar system but refuses to acknowledge the sun. An oceanographer who declines to report on anything relating to the Pacific Ocean.
Oh sure, laugh now, but who's next? Someday, perhaps sooner than you think, you may open the paper and find there is no more news about Anna Nicole Smith, Pamela Anderson or Tori Spelling.
(Tori who? See, it's already happening!)
Paris Hilton is gossip. She has no other function.
Even more bizarre are his reasons. The columnist objects to her celebrity because, he says, she has triumphed despite no "discernible talent, education, scruples, manners, modesty or underpants."
As a member of the media, I'm shocked.
Perhaps I'm naive, but I've always believed our standards were lower than that.
And that if an ambitious celebrity such as Paris was able to plumb new depths of depravity, then we would be willing to dive into the cesspool too and struggle with her until we attained the very bottom.
That was our calling. That was why we became journalists.
But now, apparently, some are afraid to make that journey.
This so-called gossip columnist also wrote that Hilton "is an insult to the American sense of fairness: the idea that you get ahead by working hard, playing by the rules and acquiring a skill of some sort."
I'm sorry, but are we talking about the same America here?
Besides, Hilton has perfected a certain skill. In every photo of her, no matter her state of dress or undress, Hilton has that smile: a smirky, knowing look that says, "Wherever I am is the most fun place to be in the universe."
Perhaps with an Anna Nicole Smith, I might understand the columnist's reluctance. Smith, sadly, has reached the limits of her witless buffoonery. Her day as source for good copy is fast ending, however ridiculous her escapades.
In Hilton, however, I detect a restless soul willing to seek out and explore new boundaries of trashy behavior.
Paris, if you're reading this, please know that not all journalists have abandoned you.
Forget about New York and those big-shot columnists.
Come to my town and I will make this solemn pledge. If you indulge in wild displays of debauchery, we will be there.
If you set new standards of decadence, we will be ready with our digital cameras.
And if you and Nicole Ritchie set up shop here, we will splash it across our pages.
It could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Write to Don Flood in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mails to dflood@ezol.com