Opinion

Incredible Hulk attends wedding

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

It was only a half hour before the wedding -- but hey, no problem, because we were at a hotel 10 minutes away and it only takes me five to get dressed.

I took my freshly laundered shirt off the hanger and put it on.

Uh-oh.

The shirt was so tight I couldn't even button the top button. I could just barely button the front buttons. With no time to get another shirt, I was going to a classy wedding looking like a doofus.

(My wife wondered why that was a problem.) There was only one logical explanation: I had, without my knowledge, encountered gamma rays, perhaps at the barber shop or car wash, and now I had been transformed into the Incredible Hulk.

Any second now I was going to start turning green and rampaging about breaking things -- the sort of behavior that usually comes well after the wedding, during the reception.

(Another possibility -- even more frightening -- was that I had packed on 20 pounds that morning.) My wife, who has no understanding about gamma rays, thought it was more likely that I had taken our son's shirt rather than suddenly turned into the Incredible Hulk.

I agreed this was possible, though it was also something of a letdown. Becoming the Incredible Hulk would mean major changes in my lifestyle -- including fearsome battles with the likes of Wolverine and Cobalt Man -- but there were definite advantages.

After all, the Incredible Hulk commands a certain of level of respect. If, for example, you're sitting in a restaurant waiting to be served, turning into the Incredible Hulk would help capture the waitress' attention.

("Would you like your coffee warmed up, Mr. Hulk?") If service still proved substandard, you could simply destroy the restaurant, which would be a more effective and satisfying way of indicating your displeasure than leaving a bad tip. (Also cheaper, since the Incredible Hulk never pays for the destruction he wreaks.) My wife, naturally, said no one would notice my unbuttoned shirt.

Of course they would notice. Who are they supposed to look at during the wedding, the bride? I knotted my tie as tightly as possible to hide my button and look presentable.

Not that it fooled people.

At the reception, an amazing number of people said, "Tell me, did the bride ever show up? I was so thoroughly disconcerted by your ill-fitting shirt, I never even noticed." Well, OK, no guests actually said that, but that's what they were thinking. (Mind reading is one of the super powers I possess even without benefit of gamma rays.) They were just afraid to say anything about my shirt for fear of me turning into the Incredible Hulk and consuming all the shrimp at the reception.

(For the record, I did NOT eat all the shrimp at the reception.) Later, though, while we were dancing, I figured it would be OK to loosen my tie.

I'm sure the Incredible Hulk would have done so hours before.

Write to Don Flood in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mails to dflood287@comcast.net.