News you can use, fast
The Federal Emergency Management Agency recently made news in a new way. It held a fake press conference where FEMA employees posed as reporters.
Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff called the misleading stunt one of the "dumbest things" he's seen and said it won't happen again.
But I don't understand the problem. Americans are used to fake news events. It only makes sense to have fake news conferences, such as the following:
FEMA press conference:
Q: What is your proudest accomplishment?
A: I'd have to say the saving of the city of New Orleans. Without our rapid, efficient response, thousands of residents would have been displaced and forced to live elsewhere.
Q: How did you feel when so-called news reports made it appear the levees had broken and that your agency hadn't responded quickly enough?
A: I was both amazed and appalled. Amazed that they were able to make it look like much of New Orleans was under water and appalled that they had no scruples about making us appear incompetent.
Lindsay Lohan:
Q: Ms. Lohan, not many people realize how much our movie stars are doing to keep Americans safe. Could you tell us how about your secret project to ensure car safety for all Americans, especially children?
A: Thank you for asking. A couple of years ago I was asked by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration to have as many accidents as possible to measure the safety of our automobiles. They've been working with test dummies, but they wanted to try the real thing.
Q: Wasn't it difficult to pretend you were drunk and disoriented all the time in order to keep your research a secret?
A: In some ways, yes, but after all, I am an actress. But the hardest parts were all those trips to rehab. I had to convince substance-abuse professionals that I had a drug and alcohol problem.
President Bush:
Q: Now that everybody agrees invading Iraq was the correct decision, do you plan to follow up on that success by invading other countries? Which ones?
A: I'm not ready to announce that yet. As my Daddy would say, "wouldn't be prudent." But I've got some ideas, and I think the American people are going to be real excited and proud as we continue to spread democracy across the globe.
Britney Spears:
Q: Ms. Spears, how do you respond to recent evidence that proves you were unfairly robbed of the Mother of the Year Award?
A: Well, it's a minor disappointment, but the most important thing for me is that I set a good example for my children so they can grow up to be responsible adults.
Q: Your recent performance at MTV's Video Music Awards was widely recognized as the most exciting and professional in world history. You also received rave reviews for your outfit.
A: Thank you, that outfit was very important to me because I not only want to set an example for my kids but for all children in America. But, I'm sorry, I have to leave now. I need to make dinner and clean up the baby room.
See? Without the reporter asking annoying questions, you get the news you need more quickly.
Write to Don Flood in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mails to dflood287@comcast.net.