We better sleep on this one
It sounds like a good idea at first -- sort of like crack cocaine.
Scientists are experimenting with a chemical called orexin A, which, according to Wired magazine's Web site, "reversed the effects of sleep deprivation in monkeys" -- with no side effects.
(I don't want to know how they kept those poor monkeys awake, but I will note, a la Dave Barry, that Sleep Deprived Monkeys is pretty good name for a rock band.) The idea, of course, is that orexin A, which is snorted via nasal spray, will work for people.
According to the National Sleep Foundation -- and that's a real organization -- 70 percent of Americans don't get enough sleep. (The other 30 percent were too jittery from "coffee nerves" to answer the survey coherently.) You know, I can't help thinking that a job at the National Sleep Foundation office would be pretty good deal: "Oh look, it's time for my afternoon nap." What could they say? They're the National Sleep Foundation.
They're probably the only office with an answering machine that says, "I'm sorry, but we can't answer the phone now because we're asleep." Besides, the boss is probably zonked out himself.
But I digress, probably because I'm still on my first bucket of coffee.
As one of the scientists noted, "We have to realize that we are already living in a society where we are already self-medicating with caffeine." No kidding. I'm self-medicating right now, and I'm still not sure I've got the right dosage.
You know those big containers from the coffee shops that are designed to serve an entire office? I find that a couple of them keep me self-medicated through mid-morning.
But while doing away with sleep might sound like a dream come true, there could be serious consequences to moving away from our coffee/caffeine-based economy. Such as, what would we do with all those Starbucks? Also, orexin A could spell the end of two of our chief excuses for getting out of things we don't want to do: time and tiredness.
Sample Excuse I: "Oh, I've got to go do some stuff around the house." No, you don't. With orexin A, you've got all night.
Sample Excuse II: "I can't go out. I need to get some sleep." Not any more. One snort and you're good to go.
Now some people will say, "Oh, this is so wonderful. We'll able to able accomplish so much more and blah blah blah." (I hate to resort to using "blah blah blah" but that second box of coffee hasn't kicked in yet.) These people are delusional and likely suffering from a caffeine deficiency.
If you look at how Americans spend their leisure time -- and you're way better off if you don't -- you'll find people spend countless hours watching TV, playing video games, shopping and scratching themselves.
We don't need more time for any of those activities, except perhaps for the last one.
In short, orexin A is a bad idea. It's time to wake up and smell the coffee before it's too late.
Write to Don Flood in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mails to dflood287@comcast.net.